How You Get There... Is Half The Fun...

more pictures...

2006-06-17T17:45:00.000-04:00

Pictures are worth a thousand words... at least .....

The one of the four of us.. was when Michael was saying his vows to the b oys.. they were.. wow.. .. top left.. if Mr Shirley.. one of my Moms.. reading during the ceremony.. I also included a group shot.. and a cake that his sister brought....

For those that dont know.. My sister in law is a photgrapher.. and she posed the youth in attendance for a group pic... *giggle*..

Doesnt lil Dawson.. look so grown up.. wow..

well I dont want this page to be a really slow load.. so I am gonna publish.. ;) I will add more soon..

Living large and outside the box,B

what you may have missed giggle

2006-06-15T23:23:00.000-04:00

What most of you may have missed *giggle*.. everyone was pretty much gone wi th the exception of a few family members. It has been a long day.. and everyone who knows me.. knows that I have a lil silly side *giggle*

Picture it for a moment.. it had been raining most of the afternoon.. as many of you noticed.. it was getting a wee bit muddy in our pack yard *giggle*

I can hear you now.. she didnt.. Well.. yes she did.. My husband and I.. and My sister dee.. and the best stand in brother a girl could have barry.. well.. see for yourself *giggle*

Oh how she tried to get me down.. *giggle*.. but .. alas.. she didnt not succeed *giggle*

as you can see.. I am nice and muddy to.. Man oh man.. I love michael.. we can play together.. *giggle*..

*giggle*..

The best friends a girl and guy could have *giggle*.. I have always said.. some friends will stand in the mud with ya.. *giggle*.. these ones do.. we act like siblings.. who says genetics is everything *giggle*

We kept Barry's shirt.. we all signed it.. talk about a wedding momento.. *giggle*. The day was filled with memories to last a life time.. :)

2006-06-15T22:59:00.000-04:00

<--Me and Jenny
Me and wee man *giggle* Michael's Grandma, Aunt and Uncle
Abby and my stand up and stand in Brother Barry

Update

2006-06-14T12:01:00.000-04:00

Greetings,

I heard through the grape vine that people were asking ab out Michael, the boys and I.. so here I am updating. :)

As some of you may know.. Michael and I were married on June 3rd 2006 at 5:05 pm. Merging not only ourselves, but the boys as well. We became one family.. under the eyes of God .. in a formal sense.

We would like to thank all of those wonderful souls who came out to share the day with us. No doubt it was a surprize indeed *giggle*.. It was a day that truly reflected us , and what we are about. We came up against some hiccups getting there. There was a lil issue of the licence, I didnt have the exact id they needed.. but that was quickly worked out. Then we had someone pull their support and help to us from under our feet 48 hours before the big day was take place. But again, we didnt let that stop us. We had to sit back and access, communicate and make a decision.. and we decided that married we would be.

It is actually a pretty sad feeling, when you are feeling like you have been sent a message that you weren't worthy in someones eyes. However, we all only answer to one person.. God.. there is no single person that has the right to take that away from anyone..

The day was perfect.. lush trees, rain drops and love of friends and family.. t here to lo ve, honor and support us. Which cleared up any questions we had that it was truly Gods will th at we merge and commit our lives to each other for all of eternity.

Since June 3rd.. we have been busy like bees *giggle*.. Michael and I are both working odd shifts.. stealing time to gether when we can.. and this last weekend we spent in Etobicoke with my new family ( aka my in laws). Jenny, Michael sister is a proffesional photographer, and she took some formalish shots for us... which we hope to have back soon. We have been getting some great emails with shots from family and friends with pictures they took through out the day.. if you happen to have some... please send them on to us ;)

There is so much I missed that day.. * giggle*.. here I thought I would able to socialize for the few hours before the wedding.. ya.. not so likely.. *giggle*.. I was running around like.. like.. well like me.. trying to tie up loose ends.. readings .. and stealing a few min utes alone with my MOH and Mrs Shirley and Diane..

IT was an amazing day.. one I am sure no one will soon forget.. We often speak about foster community.. Micahel and I wanted you all here.. to do just that.. we included people hat have m ade an strong impression on us and our relat ionship..we thought about getting e veryoen to read.. but we would have been reading all day *giggle*.. instead.. the pastor worked in an interactive part.. so everyone was taking part..... and tada.. we are husband and wife. Joined together for all of time.. together..to grow, change, compliment, strive, reach, dream and so on..

I have to say.. the pastor including that lil bit about him being the last person to ever stand between us.. was perfect.. no one has ever stood between us.. and as God( and all that were here ) as our wi tnesses.. no one ever will again.

Dream well, and Dream Big.. because happy ever afters do happen.

2006-06-06T12:54:00.000-04:00

Sunsets

2006-05-30T10:45:00.000-04:00

I regularly sit in silence during these times.. trying to connect with those so far away. I sit in prayer, I simply sit.. I just be.. be who I am.. looking into myself to who I will be. When days are long.. and filled with so much rush rush rush.. look for me.. in your sun.. I will stand wi th you.. no matter what... I am there..

In your sun.. in my sun.. all one of the same.. dancing rays on the walls.. I am dancing to... that bright flash that blinds your vision if only for a fleeting moment.. that is me to.. I am right there.. right here.. with you... When you look into the typical places.. that is where you will find me.. loving you..and adoring you with everything I am..

When you feel weak like you can bare another day.. I am right there with you.. we share the same air.. the same sun.. the same world.. I am there with you.. and you are here with me.. you are never alone.. we are always together.. although miles apart... so when the days are really long and you dont know w hat to do.. remember these worlds I am saying now.. I am always there with you.

See ya on the flip side, B

Some of my favorite quotes...

2006-05-20T21:19:00.000-04:00

I adore quotes.. I have piled them over the years.. I am one of those that has inspirational messages scattered throughout the home. For years I had a though for the day on our voice mail... always in motion.. looking for the next lesson to be learnt.. always changing.. always evolving..

Here are just a snippet of some of my favorite quote :)

You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays.
- Professor Harold Hill (The Music Man)

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
- Benjamin Franklin

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on it.
- Danny Kaye

There can be hope only for a society which acts as one big family, not as many separate ones.
- Anwar el Sadat

If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.
- George Bernard Shaw

Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishment toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.
- unknown

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.
- Storm Jameson

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
- Dr. Dale Turner

The Rules For Being Human

When you were born, you didn't come with an owner's manual; these guidelines make life work better.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life on Planet Earth". Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "success."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.

6. You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change. Wisdom is practice. A little of something is better than a lot of nothing.

7. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" becomes a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that again looks better than "here."

8. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate in yourself.

9. Your life is up to you. Life provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life -- or someone else will.

10. You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract -- therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.

11. There is no right or wrong, but there are consequences. Moralizing doesn't help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.

12. Your answers lie inside you. Children need guidance from others; as we mature, we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written. You know more than you have heard or read or been told. All you need to do is to look, listen, and trust.

13. You will forget all this.

14. You can remember any time you wish.

SMILE!!!!

B

My red socks & engagement party :)

2006-05-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

Sitting at the frwy tonight we were asked about "our red socks".. what would we be willing to give up to be closer to God.. I listened.. and I didn't speak up .. partially because I couldn't find the words.. and then they struck me.. my red socks.. would be.. giving up the idea t hat I am damaged goods.. and expecting others to treat me as such..

I am not damaged..

May seem like a relatively simple concept to some.. for me it is not.. I always expect that people see what I have lived.. how 'colorful' my 29 years have been.. and It struck me tonight ( wi th a lil push from Pernell earlier this week) that I am not damaged in the eyes of God.. I am clean, untainted.. For the life of me.. I cant find the verse now :s anyone.. happen to remember.. I know I should write this stuff down .. *giggle*

Goodness.. gotta love how things speak to you so differently at different t imes in your life. WOW.. in awe as I often am.... how amazing.. so much to be grateful for.. a big one being willing and able to be engaged in the process. BREATHE IN... BREATHE OUT!!!!

Now.. on to....

THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY!!!!!

It is June 3rd.. Our backyard....pot luck.. come on down.. we would really love you to be here :) I can hear you now.. but B.. we dont know where we are going.. well.. email us at phoenix-holdsworth@hotmail.com and we will send ya all the necessary info :)

I am getting really excited to have everyone here.. sure to be a day no one will soon forget :) Dorian asked to borrow the sound system from the frwy.. so.. Dorian.. a mic.. ya.. no doubt gonna be entertaining :) *giggle*.. I am so excited..

Be a great day.. and laugh loudly :)
B

Grumble

2006-05-06T22:25:00.000-04:00

Somehow I messed up my page :s oh goodness.. one more thing to add to the list of must dos in my life lately :S

Still alive.. :)

2006-05-05T22:43:00.001-04:00

Well Well.. I am here.. barely.. Been a busy week filled new everything. Michael got here last Friday.. we have spent the week sifting through my stuff and his stuff.. and merging them to become our stuff. Oh what an adventure.. Learning to live as one.. but not really having to learn it.. it just kinda unfolds that way.. seems that we do thing pretty much the same way when anyone stands back and takes a look.

Michael has been putting up shelves and moving things.. I am feeling out of my element not diving in feet first as he is settling his things here... I am honoring his process. I know he knows I am here.. to help.. but there is something to be said abo ut making a place your home.. NOT just your house!!! That is what this week had been filled with.

Being able to wake up together every morning has been a real blessing.. what a delight to look into his eyes and know that this man is who I will see every day from now until eternity. To feel truly blessed.. it is bliss.. complete and total.

Had an interview this week.. I was under the impression it was just going to be a chat.. but it swas a real interview.. here is crossing everything that will cross. Michael poped over the Army and helped a lil there.... We got some weddin stuff decided in there as well.. been a b usy week.

Dorian is gone to sleep over at a friends this weekend ( Drew.. you can read about him in a previous blog entry)... so it is just the three of us this weekend.. No doubt it will help Daws with his transition and role shift. I look at him.. and although he is busting with happiness at this change.. I know it must be weird for him.. to not be the oldest male in the house. Michael and I are doing everything we can to make his transition smoother. They poped out just the two of them this evening to do Daws's papers...

I dont see any bumps.. but I still plan for them.. and consciously try to avoid them.. helping them blend what was their world.. to what is their world at present.. and what will be their world..

Some resemblance of a dinning room happening now.. may just be able to have the main floor done 2morrow.. oh I cant wait.. I dont mind organized chaos.. but let me tell you.. the house right now.. is so NOT organized *giggle*

Everything in transition.. so much planning coming together.. so much love growing, building .. and lifting us all up..

Well.. Ia m off to bed.. to get some sleep.. I hope.. and back at it again 2morrow..

RSVPs are s tarting to work there way in.. some by email.. some by phone ;) if ya didnt get an invite.. so sorry :( I am kinda a scatter brain la tely.. totally not intentional.. I dont know w ho has them and who doesnt anymore .... I knew I should have wrote it down.. but I didnt.. if ya dont have one.. and you would like just let us know..

Be a great day.. and laugh loudly.
B

3 hours and counting...

2006-04-28T18:23:00.000-04:00

So hard to believe we are at the three hour countdown. Why am I coming back here over and over again with my ranblings.. simple.. I can.. *giggle*..

I heard from him about 20 minutes ago.. and they were 3 h 15 minutes away according to mapquest. WOOT WOOT.. I assume they will be here at the end of 8 pm. WOW.. where has the time gone? It seems to have passed me by.

I am sitting online with my maid of honor.. who is helping me pass the time.. because I know me.. and if I wasnt here with her.. I would be pacing..and driving everyone NUTS in the process :) . I tend to do everything big.. get super excited, super happy, super super super .. thank goodness I am only super when it comes to the good things.. the not so great things dont keep me down for long.

Oh wow.. almost here.. I am twitching. I a ctually got to speak to him right as he was dropping off his keys.. and it was like a big weight lifted off my( read our ) shoulders. It was done.. finally and completely done. Now he was hours away from me.. and I from him.. and we could and would be together and never have to part again.

The first time he came down. he was only here for 30 hours.. I remember taking him back to the Go station.. and threw myself at his feet as I ( slightly kidding) begged him to stay. *giggle* it was a cute moment. It was ours.. I plan to do the same thing tonight .. so he can say yes.. I know how hard it was for him to go back all those times to be responsible *giggle* darn thing responsiblity is *giggle* We started calling them business trips.. after all. he was going there to work.. and coming home to me to rest. Seems to make sense...it made the times he had to go back there so much easier on us bot h.... they g ot easier still when he would leave right from Dundas.. when I didnt have to let him go as he boarded a bus.

We were forced to talk things out.. and find ways to be with each ot her.. regardless of the distance... to really communicate.

I just got an idea.. I am gonna run and get stuff to make him a welcome home sign.. *giggle*.. ya I know.. woman is love is a crazy sight.. *giggle*

Be a great one, B

a rude date...

2006-04-28T07:47:00.000-04:00

I sit here, having a date with Ms Clariol *giggle*..and my mind is elsewhere. We are down to less th at 15 hours now.. oh I am such a rude date.. not t hinking ab out Ms Clariol mu ch.. oh well *giggle*

Last night we played our last few games of minesweeper flags on msn like we have done a hundred t imes now.. kinda our thing..our way of spending time and still engaging with each other. WE play, we chat, we just are..

Yesterday, Michael's boss got the crew pizza to thank Michael for his hard work there. How my heart was warmed for my wonderful prince.. to know t hat someone values him as I do.. ( in the grand scheme of the world.. this may not seem like a big thing.. but it really is.. the boss aint exactly free flowing with stuff like this *giggle*) I was so happy for him.. He was so touched.. I can hear the sadness in his voice as he is saying goodbye to many of these people. Many of them he will probably never see again.

Although the next chapter is a good one.. when ever there is any change.. th ere is a mourning of sorts that goes on.... I come from the thought pattern that one must have closure.. to move on.. closure need not be something overt with others... it can be as simple as saying silent goodbyes.

I have spent much of the last few days. .. thinking .. this is the last t ime I do X Y Z without Michael here.... seems trivial no doubt.. but it made it feel closer.. made the waiting seem less.. it worked for me... it continues to work for me...

So here I sit.. literally on the hells of change.. and darn near busting with excitement. Woke up this morning for the last time without Michael beside me... we shared our last 7 hour away am phone call ( has become a ritual) and we are here.. we have finally arrived. He is working his last half day at work.. Dropping off a friends movie ( you will meet the friend if you make it out June 3rd).. loading everything up.. and off they go.. I am expecting them ab out 8 ish.... oh.. how wonderful is that.. he is coming home.

Last night I was bouncing.. I couldn't sit still... I made supper for the b oys when they came home from their programming.. and I was vibrating. I adore the bo ys.. they are both so good at calling me on my shitake mushrooms. For the millionth time.. I asked the boys if they wer eok with all of this.. any feelings they wanted to discuss.....Dor told me to stop worrying... said that if he didn't like Michael.. he would have chased him away.. *giggle*... and you know.. I can see Dor doing just th at.. *giggle*so here we were. Dor telling me to chillax.. but I am still bouncing.. he cranks the stereo.... and says .. " Mom.. dance!" We danced for a good half hour together him and I.. it was just what I needed.. how did he get so intuitive.. :S ... guess I did something right.

The boys have been talking to Michael all week.. I am really honoring their process.. ensuring that they know they are valued .. and how they feel matters..... they are A ok.. I am over mothering now *giggle*.... I really don't mean to.. but I am none the less.

Today is international kiss day.. Isn't that just the cutest thing.. Michael is coming home on international kiss day. I am such a nut *giggle*

Plans for the day.. wash Ms Clariol out of my hair.. now that I have been such a rude date.. I doubt they want to hang around *giggle*.. laundry.... our for lunch with a friend I think ( my way of killing a few hours) .... and then I come home.. to wait again... *giggle*.. oh yes.. m ust wash sheets *Giggle* ..

I am not go good at waiting.. Michael joked last night.. asked me if I wanted him to have a crisis he needed me to fix.. I responded yes plz... it would surely be better than just waiting. wait wait wait..

Be a great one,
B

Waiting in the wings

2006-04-27T09:08:00.000-04:00

Wow.. here I sit.. on the toes of change.. staring it ri ght in the eyes.. looking deep i nto it.. feel as though I am about to perform a play or something I have been rehearsing for a really long time.. I am waiting in the wings... going over everything I learned about this event.. my heart if beat ing loudly.. Suddenly.. time is gone.. I am no longer a one woman show.. Gulp.. 36 hours to go..

I can hear words in my head.. they aren't mine.. but I can hear them just the same ( ya if you didn't think I was nuts before.. you sure do now huh? *giggle*) they speak softly.. telling me " You are safe, go ahead, don't be afraid, I am with you."

I look at the empty stage.. set is up, all the props in place..I look in from the wings.. breathing slower than my heart is beating.... in the other stage wing accross the way.. I can see Michael.

Here I am.. looking forward to what is to come..new pages wri tten, new chapters, and old ones closed.. entering from two different stage wings.. we will become one love, one partnership.. one future, oh my oh my oh my.

don't get me wrong.. I am not bad anxious.. more of an exci tement. In context.. I have been it.. the one the only for over a decade.. and the last time I took a leap like this.. It began the most trying time of my life. I don't for a minute believe that Michael is t hat, or will be that.. he is simply not made like that. For those of you that don't know him yet.. you will soon ag gree no doubt.

A group of women and I got together at one of my mentors houses this last week.. we sat there.. speaking ab out the going on in our lives.. and when asked about Michael.. Cindy( a friend of mine) says.. he is the man every women wishes she had, he is darn near perfect. And she is rig ht . No I dont have unrealistic ideals ... to me he is perfect.. he is my best friend.. my safe place to land.

It was a big desicion to decide to have him move here. I juggled not only my feelings, but those of the boys as well. We have been through a lot these last couple of years. I needed to make sure this would not hinder them.. they are not in a position to lose anything else.. they have already lost too much.. people, belongings and so on..I needed to protect them.. after all.. if I am not able to... who will? No red flags.. alt hough i was looking for one..

In the stage wings... waiting.. wi th anticipation.. life is changing. WOW.. so much.. it is hard to believe that I moved into this place a year ago.. almost to the day tomorrow.. and here we are.. Michael is coming home!

We think of this as a deepening commitment to each other.. which it is totally........ every step closer.. we realize there is no going back to the way it was... We felt that way when we shared I love yous , when he asked me to marry him, when I said yes, when we decided that he was moving here.. and so on.. this is the biggest step yet. We are merging our worlds.. he gave up his job there..his appartment ( will explain that below) all to be with us.

The end of last week and the beginning of this one, I was knee deep in what I do best.. Advocating ... there is ( read was) someone else on the lease to his apartment..and his father signed as a financially guarantor.. and this other person wasn't letting Michael or his father delete their names from the lease.. they d idnt quality on their own to remain in the unit( they dont make en ough money for the conditions) so here we were... Some of you may now.. that advocacy is what I did/ do for a living.. I am in my element when I am equalizing injustices of sorts. Until Sunday this other person was set to move out on today..( this is the news I got just as I was leaving the frwy on Sunday.. BLAH).. and then Michael would have left tomorrow... and it would have been all good.. well.. it didn't work th at way.. they decided they weren't leaving.. which ment that Michael and his father would still be attached to the lease.. not just for the remaining two months of the term( which incidentally we were ensuring that rent would be paid for those two months.. because it was g oing to be empty.. and it was the r ight thing to do) .... but now they werent leaving as planned..

Here goes B.... doing what she does.. I spoke to Ontario Housing Rental Tribunal a few times, spoke to lawyers, spoke to an ex property manager.. over and over again.. trying to figure out how to get Michael and his father off the lease.. the Property manager of the apartment.. Wasn't letting Michael off the lease.. unless the other person qualified.. which they didn't.. and probably never will.. and if they continued to stay there beyond the leasing term.. Michael and His fa ther would still be liable for them.. as their names would carry over.... URG..

I found the forms, wrote the letters.. made sure they said everything they needed to say.. it is actually a complicated process when the property manager refuses to let you out of your term.. but we did it.. I spoke to his fat her.. explained what he had to do.. spoke to his sister.. making sure she understood.. so she could answer any of her fathers questions.. spoke to Michael.. and here we were.. in the mud.. my fists where full.

The letters covered EVERYTHING.. right down to anything that was changing hands, bewteen Michael and property manager... (some how.. the one who refuses to leave, feels they have right to stay there without paying a dime.. like they have been... no no no.. we wont have that.. I have a lawyer friend looking into that..there are many avenues to go anyhow.. back to the packages)... for bo th of them.. I emailed his fa ther all the necessities.. letter and forms.. and explained to him what he needed to do.. I faxed Michael his.. wi t h 3 pages of instructions.. things needed tobe done just so.. no room for error.. or we w ould be stuck again.. photocopies needed to be made to ensure that EVERYONE had the ri ght copies of things..

I was in my element.. although it was weird being in their acting for Michael and his fa ther..but I was there.. kept me busy.. we got the packages together.. Michael served the property manager with them ( who was none too happy.. Especially since I was quote the letter of the law..I think t hey realized they were not playing with an amateur here who didn't know what they were d oing .. or talking about.. everything was covered.. clearly..no room for mis-understanding) .. oh the calm.. that came over me with the first step completed.

Next to serve the other person on the lease.. urg.. entire package to them.. everything.. all the letters.. all the forms.. everything.. and Michael got them to write a note stating that they received notice from Michael and his father.. all of which was faxed into the propert y manager.. and a copy to me.. just in case they tried to destroy the original..why? because they are that messed! Everyone has everything.. everything is done.. all the i's dotted.. all the t's crossed.. breathe.. righ t?!

WRONG.. then it hits me..w hen I have n o thing to busy myself with around him coming.. t hat ... he is going to be here.. in days now.. wwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Michael and I were playing minesweeper, like we do most nights online.. and he finds a text file on the desk top.. guess what? This other person on the lease was up to no good.. from what I can gather.. they were trying to find a way to at the very least keep Michael's fa ther tied into a lease w i th them.. because they dont have a co-signer they want to use.. sorry silly one.. you didn't realize that Michael and his father had me on their side!

I was furious.... I have real issue with people who are manipulative.. Especially when it is towards people I care about.... Michael and his fa ther.. because his father is my family now as well..

Yesterdays blog... I wrote a letter to God.. thanking them for... well you go and read it if you haven't already..

Oh yes.. now nothing much to do.. but clean the house..( yeah right.. *giggle*) and wait.. wa it to come out of the wings.. and come into the light and love .. the lights never have to be turned down ag ain.

Be a great one.. and la ugh loudly,
B

Dear God

2006-04-26T12:54:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

As you have seen lately, I am spinning. Such an influx of information that is guiding me in helping the one I love so much. The one you put in my path, to be my partner for all of eternity. I am so grateful to you for all of your knowledge, for putting people in my path who hold the words I do not yet know and for your never ending belief in me.

I thank you lord for everything you have given us .. a safe place to rest our heads, friends who love us, a new family who supports us.. and real expriences. Ones that force me to look outside myself and into you for meaning and guidance. Thank you for always making it so clear you and you alone are boss.. you call the shots.. and I am your servant. I can only do what you feel is fit for me to do. Y ou and you alone hold all the answers to all of the questions in all the world.

You speak to me, when I am expecting it.. and when I am not.. and when I refuse to listen to you because I have forgotten that life is a game by YOUR rules.. you gentally remind me.. that only when I hand my life to you can I move forward.. if I am trying do it on my own.... I remain s tuck in the last place where I trusted you.. unable to move forward ..

You have made me strong when I felt I couldnt go on. I thank you God for your s trength set on me and in me .. I thank you for you pat ience which echoes through me as I interact with others. I thank you for your honest love which is so pure, so innocent.. never leaving me out in the cold.

I thank you Lord for let ting me have questions and the freedom to make my own choices.. which provide us wi th an oppertunity for you to teach me about your 'game plan'. I thank you so much God.. for all that you do, all that you have done.. and all you have graced upon us.

I thank you Lord for my wonderful children, who were brought into this world as you saw fit. I thank you for their spirits and souls which are so amazing and beautiful. I Thank you for their laughter, their tears. I thank you for their dreams, wants and wishes. I thank you for their passion and honesty. T hey are true miracles in motion, as all of your children are.

I thank you for Mr Michael, which you put in my path.. and watered us both as our love bloomed.. I thank you for the lessons I have learned from him as your ideas dripped from his mo uth.. I thank you for his patience, his willingness to grow evolve and expand his mind. I thank for the strengths you put in him.. which compliment and even out the areas I am not so st rong. I thank you for my strengths which fill in where is he is not so strong. I thank you for all your gifts you have blessed us with.

I am so grateful to you God, for everything you are, everything you were and everything you will show me I can become in your image.

With Much Love, Honesty and Respect,
Brooklyn

Words...

2006-04-24T00:13:00.000-04:00

Words are such powerful things. They can never be taken back, they can lift up someone, they can beat them down, they can offer comfort, they can break a spirit. Some feel a need to use them often, other are at a lose for them.. oh wonderful words.

Sometimes when I feel myself overwhelmed with what life has thrown my way.. I choose not to have the words to explain it ... to make it make sense in my own mind.... I am one of those people who likes to have conversations with myself.. speak and speak and speak.. I have reasoned out everything I have lived, analyzed till my head hurt.. and come out realizing that I didn't learn a darn thing until I sat back and listened to God's word.

With many I choose my words carefully.. with few.. I express them freely, which sometimes is not at all... like that hug from behind.. without saying hello.. that soft hand on your shoulder when you are not expecting it.. or simply sitting in silence.. .. interesting balance I would say.. to be locked inside myself..hearing my own voice echoing in my head.. flipping a wide range of files in my brain.. discarding some.. keeping others.. trying to make sense.. without baring it all.

Closing myself off to the world is not an option anymore.. I have always believed that a direct question.. deserves a direct answer.. that is not to say that I need to let it all hang out.. but rather ... speak from a place of honesty.. straight to the point.. few lately have seen that side of me.. Tonight it came out in full force.

I felt like I was being interrogated in a sense. Question after question.. I would answer.. and poof another question.. and I would answer again.. poof.. you get the idea.. I realized that I wasn't choosing my words.. I was simply speaking them.. I wasn't going through my files in the mud of my own mind... but speaking from my heart.. clearly.

Speaking from my heart doesn't need to look like a mac truck of information coming at you out of no where.. I dont turn around as you are deafened by beeps as I back up.. about to dump a load on you.. quite the contrary.. I answer.. I move on.. This was amazingly en lighting to 'hear' myself doing this..

What a great place to be.. to not be labeling myself by my story.. but to use it as an honest exchange of information.. without all the pain behind the words.

Be a great day :) and laugh loud!

Gods Boxes

2006-04-21T20:26:00.000-04:00

>
> > Two Boxes

God's Boxes
> >>
> >> I have in my hands two boxes,
> >> Which God gave me to hold.
> >> He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black
box,
> >> And all your joys in the gold."
> >>
> >> I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
> >> Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
> >> But though the gold became heavier each day,
> >> The black was as light as before.
> >>
> >> With curiosity, I opened the black,
>
>> I wanted to find out why,
> >> And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
> >> Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
> >>
> >> I showed the hole to God, and mused,
> >> "I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
> >> He smiled a gentle smile and said,
>
>> "My child, they're all here with me.."
> >>
> >> I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
> >> Why the gold and the black with the hole?
> >> "My child, the gold is for you to count your
blessings,
> >> The black is for you to let go."

Sunshine yeah baby

2006-04-19T09:37:00.000-04:00

The marvelous sun is making a longer appearance than we have seen this year .. I couldn't be happier. Seems the big ol sun in the sky not only warms the earth, but my soul as well. I have been stuck in my self proclaimed dungeon. Not knowing where or when I would come out again. It would seen, that right now.. I am here.. basking in the sun.. taking in its warmth.

It has been a winter like no other .... one in which it was overcome with growth and transformation. I believe that I am coming out the other side.. a butterfly.. beautiful, graceful.. leaving little memory of what I was before this time. Just as a butterfly, at first glance you would need vulnerability that once took me over..

I am emerging from my winter dungeon. coming into the light .. into the sun.. looking around at the glory and wonder around me. The grass seems greener somehow than years gone by.. everything is so different.. new life, new ties to family.. and new additions to family, new beginning, new love from an old time and place, new relationships, new friends, and on and on..

Wedding planning is going well.. Engagement invites are formally in their final stages.. ;) printed, folded.. just waiting for Michael's touch.. and done.. woot woot. We go to a bridal show May 1rst.. together.. which is really exciting .. it is so nice to be on the last week and half before we can do all of this stuff together. I am feeling a quiet calm taking me over the closer we get.

My engagement ring is also in its final stages :) if all goes according to planned.. we will pick it up Saturday.. there were a few glitches with the ring.. about 2 weeks ago.. basically the one in the show case couldn't be sized up enough to fit.. size 6ish.. and I am 10ish.. ya.. dont work too well sizing that far.. then it was going to be ordered.. when the call went in to order it.. we were told 12 weeks.. um ya.. no t an option.. so.. Houston.. we had a problem.. but .. we also has a solution.. it could be custom cast :) oh ya.. My B.. with a custom.. uniquely mine ring. .. which you may have known was our original idea ... Michael was going to design it.. and we were gonna have it made.... but then we saw this one.. and that went out the window *giggle*.. so we are now getting the best of both possibilities.. the ring still looks very much like the one in the case.. BUT.. it is uniquely ours. ;)

Must Kidnap Ms Abby soon and venture down to Ottawa Street.. the lack of dress is my next priority. *giggle*

I am taking things one step at a time.. because the any other way.. my head was spinning.. and I was no good to anyone anywhere.. *giggle*

On a final note... I know that more than just Ms Abby must read my ramblings.. so leave a comment will ya.. lemme know you were here.. *giggle*

I love spring and sunshine.
Be a great day,

Big steps, music is getting louder.. happy dance

2006-04-10T11:24:00.000-04:00

Things are constantly changing in my world these last few months. Things are moving a quicker pace this last month than they have before. I remember when Michael and I first started speaking about him moving this way.. oh it seemed like it would take forever to get here.. and now.. I am staring it in the face.. His belongs arrive with him next weekend.. along with him.. he is here for easter.. then one more weekend apart.. and he is here full time.. wow.. it really did go by fast.

This weekend.. oh this wonderful weekend.. I got a lil surprize on thursday.. a call from Michael asking what I was doing this weekend.. and asked if I wanted to go up to TO to meet his mothers side of the family.. I giggled.. and I giggled.. like I often do.. for any possible reason. .. this time.. it was out of nervousness.. I have always believed that meeting families is a big step.. and you never get a chance to make a first impression...
Michael and I decided he woudl come here friday.. spend the night here with the boys and I.. and we would head back up to To the next day ... together.. i t was total perfection I tell ya. Having the time with him like that.. made it seem more and more like he was just on a business trip.. and got a weekend away.. Friday ni ght.. was awesome.. Dorian and I made our way downtown to the GO s tation..not telling Mr Michael that Dorian was coming.. Lil D man wanted to suprize him. Dorian has this way of greeting Michael.. that is just so cute *giggle*.. and makes me thankful Michael has fast reflexes. He leaps into Michael's arms.. picture it.. Dor.. a good 2 feet off the ground.. airborn.. into Michaels arms.. it is just aaaaawwwwww *giggle*
After picking him up.. we head back to good ol Dundas.. Michael pretty much knows his way here now.. *giggle*.. he caught on faster than I did. *giggle*
We all went to bed shortly after we got home.. everyone was beat.. I havent been sleeping the best.. havent been feeling too great lately..... Dor was tagging for cadets saturday bright and early.. and Daws was half way to never land when we got home.. so off to bed we all went..
What a wonderful feeling to he wrapped in his arms at the end of a long week... total bliss.. to wake up with him.. bliss again.. perfection..
Dorian seems to follow the rules alot more when M ichael is around.. which is

I have tried to publish this a few times a fter I finished it.. and it wont publish.. so here goes publishing incompletel thoughts *giggle*

Be agreat one, B

Somedays .. are somedays

2006-04-06T12:58:00.000-04:00

Some days.. I just wanta scream.. stick my head in the sand.. and urg.. just hide.. today is one of those days... Dorian has been home for two days now.... for no good reason.. he broke rules on Tuesday( again) and didn't get home till 10 pm .. without a call or any t hing.. I hadn't heard from him since Tuesday morning as he kissed me on his way to school..

At 815.. it was beyond what he has done before.. I was FREAKING OUT!!!!... I sat with his phone book in hand.. and called every single n umber in his phone book.. asked every parent if they had seen him.. and asked the parents to ask their children who he was hanging with after school.. oh the panic that was in my voice.. must have been heard.. everyone was getting concerned.

940 I finally get the number I had been looking for.. and I call.. and imagine that.. he was there.. or at least he had been.. he was on his way home.. I spoke to the parent.. like I had the other 40 names I had called.. and explained to him.. that I really need Dorian to check in if he is hanging out.. I am always reachable.. ALWAYS!!!! If not at home.. I carry a cell everywhere I go.. there is no reason.. why he cant call.. and why he cant get a hold of me.. Oh the father was NOT a happy camper.. he even let me speak to Dorian's friend.. and I said the same thing I had said before... " part of being a real a friend.. if helping your friend follow the rules!" Seems simple eh? Somehow at 12.. it ain't so simple.. it is out right frustrating.

All of t hat being said.. when Lil man got home.. I made him call everyone i had.. to tell them he was ok.. and to apologize for making them worry.. Oh the wet eyes he had. I felt like a heal.. but I wasn't doing it to be mean.. but rather to make him take responsibility for his actions.. my thinking is.. if you are gonna break the rules.. their are consequences.. every action has a reaction.. he didn't come home.. didn't call.. I hunted him down.. and people in turn got worried to.. I think some of these parents must think I am right spun .. SPUN SPUN SPUN.. well if wanting my son to NOT do this again.. makes me spun.. then I guess I am.. right out to lunch.

Our last call was to Michael.. oh yes.. Mr M was worried beyond belief.. he was at his second job ( the workaholic he is *Giggle*) and at soon as ten hit.. Dorian called him.. oh my.. to hear them speak.. I can already tell they are going to have a much different relationship than Dor and I do.. We are very much the same in that we are very driven by emotional interactions.. and he and I fed off each other... one is happy .. the other one feed off the happiness and gets happier.. and so on and so on.. which is great.. the same is true for when one of us aint so happy.. not so great.. Michael has this way with him... so calm.. so.. Michael.. Dor jokes t hat M has dragonfly powers * giggle*.. ( Michael has a dragonfly tattoo on his forearm *giggle*) and oh.. BRING ON THE DRAGONFLY POWERS !!!!! ( 22 days .. happy dance)

I am overwhelmed. frustrated.. and feeling lost this last week.. feeling very disconnected from the world.. maybe partially due to the grayness going on outside.. maybe due to the teenage hormones surging through our home.. oh yes. the joys of puberty.. and testing limits.. weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Be a great day.. or at least laugh loudly,
B

23 days and counting

2006-04-05T11:43:00.000-04:00

I am just F.I.N.E. .. or at least that is what I tell myself.. things are just peachy.... nothing is wrong.. yeah right.. who am I kidding..

Having some pretty wild issues with Dor lately.. somehow.. he doesn't seem to think curfew applies to him.. and oh the behavior.. the behavior.. He is making a few really bad choices these last few months.. It feels as though I am constantly hunting him down. Last night was no exception... 830 pm.. and he hadn't been seen since the end of school ( so his lying friends said anyway) we had people looking all over this lil town for the lil guy. I was freaking out.. with his phone book in hand.. I called every number in it.. asking every parent.. if their child had seen him.. I was so scared.. the average parent would be scared.. with our situation as it is.. I was out right terrified..
Shar, God bless her, was out driving around D. looking for him.. I am seriously at a loss as to what I will do without her. She has been such a blessing in our worlds.. instrumental in helping me get the boys living again. I was so wounded myself when we got here.. and she picked up with them w here I wasn't able to .... I knew that the few hours a week they spent at the drop in events.. they were safe.. with her.. and slowly.. they branched out.. made friends.. guided by people who loved them.. while I regrouped, rested for another weekend of putting on a happy face. And now.. she is leaving :( very very sad.. I am so happy that she is dancing somewhere else.. I dont know if I will ever be able to thank her enough for what she did for the boys( and I).

Oddly, this time last year.. I was saying " see ya soon," to Byron... who had lite the way in our dark days.. when I was my most lost.. and I thought I couldn't bare it.. in all honesty.. Byron was the one w ho handed me a bible.. and a plan to read it.. and served as my sound board as I questioned.. oh did I question what I was reading.. I have pretty much always been a critical thinker.. and my first formal walk through the bible.. was no expectation.. Byron left soon after I finished the first few books.. and I thought..this a cruel joke... but God had a plan.. how silly of me to doubt.. Byron taught me it was safe to trust... but what came in next.... I was so blessed

Enter Mrs Shirley.. goodness.. god is gracious.. putting her there when he did.. in all honesty.. there was one before her.. I didn't like so much.. but she left... God has plans.. and their plan.. was exactly what I needed.. when I needed it. I wouldn't have been ready for Shirley earlier.. that woman is strong and shoots right from the hip.. Treats me like a person, a daughter, a human being.. sees just as Byron did the soft soul within.. beyond the tough exterior I put out into the world. She helped me heal.. I mean really heal. There were days.. I would just go and sit in her office while she worked.. because I didn't want to be alone.. and she would work away.. quietly understanding what I didn't have the courage to say. Until finally one day I did.. I was scared.. really really scared.. Shirley let me purge ( something I dont do with many) listened without judgment.. showed me i t was ok to t rust.. someone new.. someone else. .. the things I have told her.. I haven't told to another soul.. ( aside from Michael.. I dont hide anything from him.. nor do I selectively omit anymore.. I did in the beginning.. not to hold it back.. but to give him time to process what he was hearing)

To be losing Shar.. has me looking back.. and seeing life this last year and a bit again.. really scared about how I will do it alone.. what Shar did for the boys and I goes well beyond simple the teen drop in.. She took us down to the frwy. .. Which is huge for us ( namely me).. I suffer from PTSD.. which makes me really nervous ab out some things.. one of them is being somewhere unfamiliar.. and the community frwy is in.. IS VERY UNFAMILAR.. reminds me of a not so wonderful time in our lives.. in a really big way... frankly.. the fight or flight response running through me just in the parking lot to the building :(.. which makes going to the frwy just me and the boys a lil tough.. and without really having spoken beyond a casual hello to people .. I just dont feel rig ht asking them myself.. they dont know me.. and I really dont want to go into the reasons.. and urg.. I am so bad for that :( Shar knew.. she understood.. she lived it with us.. All that being said.. I thinks we are taking a lil breaky from the frwy till Michael gets here.. I dont have it in my to swallow my fear right yet... I dont want the boys to see me like that.... so nervous and oh so hard to explain what PTSD does to a persons soul.... a few new flags have popped up these last couple of weeks.. and has me even more on edge than I was.

Michael is due here in 23 days.. I cant wait.. I feel safe with him..in every way.. physically, emotionally.. spiritually.. we dont trying and change each other.. oh 23 days..

Be a great day.. and laugh loudly,
B

In awe

2006-04-02T15:15:00.000-04:00

In a style true to me.. pick myself up.. dust myself off.. and forge forward *giggle* Seems to be the way I have always done things. Has gotten my through some really tough times. I dont allow myself to stay stuck in the depth of my own shitake mushrooms for long, I accept, I learn.. I move forward. Surely sometimes I revert back to old ways from time to time.. ( dont we all) I tend to catch myself sooner.. and I am able to call myself on it.. not to mention a few great people in my world.. who love me enough to point out the things I may not wanta see.

Today Michael and I busily working on engagement party invites. I think we finally have the wording ri ght.. font looks great.. and now it is a matter of centering them ( Michael's much more spacially inclined than I am) .. and then printing them.. and adding our special lil something when he is here over easter ;) you will just have to s tay tuned to find out what that lil something is *giggle*.. I am always just in awe at his talent.. he is so creative :D

The boys are almost done the spring clean of their rooms.. how lucky for me.. they are making sure I am busy this week.. imagine I have mountains of laundry.. :s how nice of them huh? *giggle*.. funny thing is..I havent seen most of this stuff in months..and Ihavent seen them wear it in what seems like forever.. hhmmm.. I think someone isnt putting their clothes away *giggle*.. oh wonderful lil beings they are.. always make me laugh.. smile.. even if the smile is as I scale a laundry montain..
Brooklyn.. what did you do today.. well I went mo untain climbing *giggle*..
Too cute..
Michael got word today.. that his belongs are getting here *happy dance* turns out his uncle is gonna zip on down to O.. and bring them up here.. woot woot.. *happy dance*
Well I am back to finishing off these invites *giggle*.. Things are becoming very formal. Seems that every step we take together.. it feels more offcial.
So many things to be happy about.. sun in shining.. I am alive, have great children.. I am in love..the world as I knew it is changing.. I am building my faith base ;) just wow.. in awe.. thank you God, creator, divine.. whatever you choose to call it.. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!

Be a great day.. and if you cant.. laugh loudly,
B

2006-04-01T15:52:00.000-05:00

Well here I am.. with so much running through me.. and n ot too sure what to say [read write]. So much is changing as it often does in the spring.. new life springs up all over, new lessons, new beginnings.. everything is new.. and here I sit.. in the newness that is.. that was.. and that will be..

We are formally counting down.. 28 days.. and Michael will be here full time.. so much emotion surrounding this time.. of our lives.. I am so delighted that the time has come.. that the distance will be banished forever, and it will be us.. tog ether.. as a family.. making OUR home.. planning OUR wedding.. wonderful..

Speaking of wedding.. Michael and I were speaking about t hat this morning.. that it feels as though we are getting married this month.. heck.. it feels l ike we have made that huge commitment many times already.. each time being more commited than the last.. Sharing space is HUGE.. atleast for me.. it has been a decade plus since I have shared space wi th ano ther adult.. so to say I am a lil anxious.. would be bang on the money... I am..
Michael and I work well together.. we are truly a team.. and interact as such.. coupled with the cuteness that we finish each other sentences, hear feelings unspoken.. and have a connection as such that we can feel each o thers pain..( which is fun *giggle*).. We dont only speak.. b ut communicate with each o ther.. which is totally amazing.. to be one with another being.
With all the changes.. I am feeling just a wee bit insecure.. not really sure where th at is going.. if this is part of the process.. or wrapped into the fear I am feeling again..
Dorian.. my lil dare devil.. went to the hospital last Saturday.. and when they swipped his health card.. .. DECLINED!!!!!!!! which is not so wonderful.. I start panicing.. having been in health care.. I know that health cards dont work for a variety of reasons.. but to be declined out right.. fraud ( nope doesnt fit), non canadian citizen( nope.. he is born and raised here) or it has been canceled ( by a parent in the case of a minor). .. Ok lets look at this shall we.. I didnt cancel it... hairs standing up on end.. lump in my throat.. there is no way their fa ther would be such a jerk as to go t hat far.. .. and then.. alas.. I realize he would.. be such a jerk and more.
So here I am.. in the process of trying to fix this mess.. without the boys knowing what is going on.. woooot woot.. super duper funness.. NOT!!!
The irony of the situation.. is that the very hospital visit th at we find out about the declined HC.. is the very visit t hat I watched( ok.. I consciously paid a ttention) to Michael.. he acted like a fat her.. a real Dad.. it was the most beautiful thing I have seen.. no doubt it has probably been there before.. but I didnt see it .. consciously that is.. here we were.. I wiping blood from Dor's hair with a wet cloth... Michael keeping protective watch.. over HIS family.. how beautiful it is.. the events of that entire insident were amazing.. I felt off.. looked off.. Michael asked if I was ok.. I said I was fine.. 10 minutes later.. we got the call ab out Dor and the ambulance.. he was putting his shoes on. before I even knew were he was.. Michael n ot knowing where we were headed.. heck even I didnt.. somehow managed to get us there.. I dont remember much of that walk.. I was in a haze.. as soon as he saw the ambulance.. off he went like a papa bear.. to protect his cub.. I was in awe watching.. running towards the ambulance myself.. so many things that day.. that weekend.. it felt as if.. this is i t.. this is where we are ment to be.. together.. to deal with everyt hing.. to be a family.. work together.. love, pray, and have faith. Just wow..
We planted that weekend as well.. zuchinni, sunflowers, sweet peas and poppies.. herb garden is coming in a few weeks.. together.. everything seems to natural and effortless.
I applied for a camp nurse job... really hoping I get it.. oh how I miss nursing.. how I want to put my gifts back to work..to be engaging and making a difference.. to be present.. to be.. I trust that God has a plan.. although I dont understand.. and may not like it.. the plan is theres to make what the wish with it.. I really do want to recreate myself.. FULLY.. work history and all.. doing the advocacy that I do... and the doula I have done.. are great.. and I plan to keep them up.. but I do them because I am called to.. not for any other reason.. I am only good at them.because God has given me the tools to be good at them... I want to give back to the world.. in a real way.. that will manage to provide something back to the world that has given me so much..
I am running to frolick.. and pray.. and probably call Michael again *giggle*..
Be a great day.. at the very least.. la u gh loudly,
B

Being in the right place at the right time and giggles

2006-03-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

Spent the day with my friend Cindy.. on a whim.. we went to get her some car parts.. I guess they are van parts because she drives a van.. saved her $100.00 ;) .. and on our way back we were on Ottawa street.. I remember Ms Abby telling me that is the fabric place.. so we go in to take a boo at a few things...looking at fabric.. I am a very tactile person.. I have to touch everything.. found one I loved.. but there wasn't enough to make a full dress.. but there was en ough for the top ....I find one I liked for the skirt.. and urg.. it was lining fabric.. :S but but but.. it was is so flowy.. and pinky.. and sigh.. Before we left the store...we asked the lady for a lil swatch of fabric first fabric I liked... I got a lil snippet for fabric.. woot woot.. Then we pop into Greta's( another place Abby suggested) The lady tells me that I need a foundation garment...{ does anyone know exactly what a foundation garmet is? looks like a fancy bra to me)..... and she brings out this very white bra-looking thingie.. really not my style..but I give it a try.... it make me look like i have turbo boobies ( in case you don't know what those are.. here is a visual..Madonna in the 80s.. enough said.. *giggle*)

oh my.. I am darn near busting a gut laughing at the sight *giggle* Then I am told that because I am "top heavy" ( top heavy!?... not me...you have to be kidding *giggle*) I cant go strapless....I need to wear straps.. my visions of 'THE DRESS' are dashed.. I am crushed.. I have this vision.. and URG.. now I am being told I can't .. [I dont believe in cant.. there is only unwilling to try].. talking to Dee later that night.. she mentions clear straps.. woot woot.. we have a winner ;) now to find a way around stark white under garmet.. I am so NOT a white girl *giggle*

I must say, last night.. *giggle* oh last night.. *giggle* Let me give you a lil insight into me .. before I get into last night *giggle*

Not being from here, and leaving a less than wonderful man.. I am still a lil apprehensive ( ok.. I get out right anxious.. but that is our lil secret *wink*) about being in unfamiliar environments.. Downtown being a big one. I try to avoid being down there alone at all cost.. I have been lucky that thus far, I have been getting a ride in with Shar from Dundas to the frwy.. Which eases my anxiety TONS .. Last night.. she wasnt going down.. so..

A few weeks back..I got an email about something going on.. and well.. I went downtown.. to the frwy.. all by myself.. a lil anxious.. but figured.. ok.. I just have to get off the bus.. walk a block.. and there will be people I may recognize.. who are expecting me.. I think :s.. seems simple enough I think *giggle*.. well....

I left my house at 530.. talked to Michael as long as I could on my cell before the battery died... ( picture it.... I am anxious being in unfamiliar environments without a life line {read cell} and my phone is dead.. ) which wasn't a big deal.. because I brought my charger and I was going to plug it in while I was being 'blinded with bright lights and questioned' *giggle*.. As I was waiting for the bus, a neighborhood teen was walking up.. COSMO!!!!!!! ( that is what a few of us call him.. ) He yells Brooklyn!!!!.. he gives me the worlds biggest hug.. and tells me about his going ons at school and life.. as he is leaving.. I tell him I love him. His eyes just lit up.

There are no three words more powerful that " I love you!" they can move mountains, break down walls, leave the weak feeling like they can do anything, fill any size whole, they can drive dreams, quiet fears, honor someone.. you get the idea.

I have been very blessed that I have a lil angel in my world. That has spent much of the last few days reminding me they love me.. because I am me. You know who you are.. and HUGS!!!! I know those words seem to foreign to some.. but they really do move people.. but only when they are said with honesty.

back to the night *giggle*...got on the bus.. a few stops later, this man gets on in his scooter.. and I am flipping through a wedding magazine ( remember.. my project woot woot) and he starts talking to me. This is something that happens often , total strangers talk to me all the time. But this guy was different, he had a sadness behind his eyes. I sat and I listened and we talked about marriage, and disabilities, and having to have someone take care of you and how humbling that can be. And then he spoke about how lonely he was, how his second marriage was a big mistake and he wished he had stayed with his first wife. His eyes welled with tears as he told me about his love. He spoke of mistakes he had made, and how they were finally talking.. and he was going to send her flowers the next day. He apologized for being so tearful.. and I explained that there was no need to apologize for being human.

I shared with him that I used to work as a care attendant, and I understood how it is hard to rely on someone else. I knew that some people who provided care weren't the best, but that I always did what I could to maintain their dignity, and I knew there were others out there like me :D.. [I felt as if I was not their to take care of them, I was there to help them take care of themselves.] He shared with me that he wished more people would hold that view.

He went on to share that he feels really disconnected from his church ( of all the topics huh?).. he spoke about how it was hard to make it out to his church with the scooter on time.. because he had to wait for people to come and get him up and such every morning... if only there was a church closer, that wasn't so early...... DING DING DING DING.. bells going off .. of course I had to tell him about the frwy. He had seen it a few times, thought about going in.. and felt as though he didn't belong. (*SIGH!!* That is the worse feeling in the world, I know that first hand.. to feel as though you dont fit :( ) I reassured him that he did belong, and to ride in and check it out sometime.

My stops coming up... I stand up, say my farwells.. shake his hand, expressed how nice it was to chat with him.. and he said he might pop in Sunday.. and off I went

I get there.. at 650.. no one is there.. ok.. maybe people are late.. no biggie.. I stood outside the doors.. checked the back one.. both locked..hhhmmmmm... ok.. here I am.. standing on a street corner.. looking very lost and confused.. wondering if this is Pernell's weird way of seeing if I am committed to the frwy *giggle*.. ( yes the thought actually did cross my mind.. for a few seconds .. .ok.. maybe a minute.. or five.. *giggle*).. so I am standing there.. and I cant help but to start giggling. People walking by.. looking at me as though I am spun.. I am not sure where.. but somewhere in our society.. no one can show happy emotion... If I would have been stomping around being upset.. would anyone have been judging me.. I dont think so.. but oh well.. I didn't care much.. just a sad state of affairs that people cant seem to laugh just because.. and because I am doing just that, I am laughing.. People seem to think I am way out there. { oh well.. for the record.. I would much rather be crazy and laugh than.. :S I dont even want to think of alternative}

I wait till 715..I decide it is time to go home... still laughin.. I go to the bus stop.. and I wait.. feeling a lil nervous.. I reach for my phone.. to call Ms Abby .. ring ring ring. a few bleeps..... and off goes the phone..... Battery has NO JUICE at all anymore *giggle*.. hhhmmm.. all I can do is laugh..people still walking by looking at me like I am crazy..... I wait and I wait for the only bus I can take home.... and what would you know.. Paul is at the light.. I say hello... ok.. I yelled Hello.. *giggle*.. he cant make out who I am from where he is.. but walks up anyway.. .. and he stays and talks to me until the bus comes.... the bus comes.... I get on.. and I am heading home.. but wait.. it isnt done *giggle*

I get home.. The boys are no where to be found.. I see one school bag.. and a weird pair of shoes.. that I dont recognize.. and so now I am frantic, but still laughin..Michael finds it very humerous.. that I dont get rageful when I am frantic... I am the humor queen.. everything has a punch like when I am frazzled.... I hunt down the boys after some searching.... they decided they would go to a friends.. ok.. lets put this in context... I am home till 530.. school is over at 315ish.. they often come home.. and do their thing.... and pop up to the third floor if they want to go out...( see they are teens.. and mom is only cool to be with when they wanta be w ith mom.. other wise.. mom is.. how did Dorian put it.. mean *giggle*) .... I am still laughing.. they come home.. and get into bed.. fall sleep...

I crawl into bed with Michael ( Well Michael isnt really here... YET.. but we talk every morning and night at least *giggle*).... and he starts drifting into dream land like he often does talking to me at the end of the day.... Great to know I relax him so much *giggle*

I let him go.. I am wide awake.. and nothing to do.. so I go back to my wedding magazine *giggle*

Two more sleeps and Michael is here.. woot woot.. Happy dance happy dance.. I cant wait.. been a long three weeks.. 5 more weeks and he will be here full time.. happy dance happy dance happy dance happy dance.
And that was my wonderful adventures *giggle*..

Well I am off to get the house looking somewhat .. well.. um.. not so inhabited by teen boys.. *giggle*..

Be a great day .. or at least laugh loudly , B

Sunsets and .....

2006-03-18T22:54:00.000-05:00

I wasnt always a reader.. it wasnt until I went to post secondary that I realized I love to learn, and take things in. Books offer me to chance to escape, learn, change my views and so on. I spent much of last year reading any growth book I could get my hands on. I wanted to understand, feel and move through things..

Still on the engagment high, I have been reading so much on weddings and how to plan them. I am on book number 5 since it became official... *giggle*.. so many great ideas out there, and so few hours to read abou them. Sometimes I look for justification why we are choosing to somethings and other times I simply find great ideas, thoughts and others feeling on the traditions and how to incorperate them.
In my lastest wordy companion I came accross a few things that really hit me as " Oh my.. why didnt I think of that!!!" It has me looking at why are some things so important, rather that just what is important. What do we see this day to be, marrige to be, and life long commitment to be.
For example.. often in the wedding planning.. we put titles to people, to have them fit into the wedding party. In our wedding planswe want to have a few people stand up, but there are a few behind the scenes busy bees really pulling this event together, and supporting us as we make this transition into a different phase of our lives. so.. some this day forward.. we have nothing less that " A Bridal/ Wedding/Commitment Management Team".. I read something similar and adapted it .. it makes sense, it fits.. woohooo.. and it honors those not actually standing on that day. There are now going to be honored attendants.. Dee, is still my maid of honor. I would even begin to think of not having her right there beside me. That woman has been through some crazy daisy things wi th me this last year.. she is my sound board, my shoulder, my rock, my best female friend. She is basically a female version of Michael.. but a lil more serious *giggle*..
I am amazed at how Michael and I are settling into us. Truth be told, I am in awe at how we communicate, how we support each other, how we feel when something is up with the other. Everything is truly magical wi th him. Last night was one that was challenging for me, and as soon as I heard his voice, the challenge seemed less pressing because I know that he will always stand beside me, and I him. He does the most amazing things. I wrote this .. I am not sure w hat to call it.. called Sunsets...here it is

Sunsets

What a delicious time of day it is when I can look into the sun rise or sun set.. somehow the distance between me and those I adore seems far less.. .. it would seem that for those few minutes.. I am right there with you.. If you ever long for me.. that is where you will find me.. in the sun rises and sun sets.. and in your dreams.. the three places I can never be taken from.

I regularly sit in silence during these times.. trying to connect with those so far away. I sit in prayer, I simply sit.. I just be.. be who I am.. looking into myself to who I will be. When days are long.. and filled with so much rush rush rush.. look for me.. in your sun.. I will stand wi th you.. no matter what... I am there..

In your sun.. in my sun.. all one of the same.. dancing rays on the walls.. I am dancing to... that bright flash that blinds your vision if only for a fleeting moment.. that is me to.. I am right there.. right here.. with you... When you look into the typical places.. that is where you will find me.. loving you..and adoring you with everything I am..

When you feel weak like you can bare another day.. I am right there with you.. we share the same air.. the same sun.. the same world.. I am there wi th you.. and you are there with me.. you are never alone.. we are always together.. although miles apart... so when the days are really long and you dont know w hat to do.. remember these worlds I am saying now.. I am always there with you.

This is a very special time of day for us. Last nights sunset.. he called me.. and we watched i t together. He had been telling me all day that he had a suprize later.. but I didnt know what.. To say it was perfect.. would not be doing the moments we shared last night justice. It was our time together. The distance between us physically can be very taxing on both of us, especially lately. Another 6 weeks tops and he will be here full time.. and we cant wait.

Well.. on that note.. I am off to bed.. was a long very awake night last night..

Dream Big and Dream Well, B

Mr sun, Mr Golden sun wont you please shine down on me

2006-03-16T12:03:00.000-05:00

yesterday was cold and over cast .. today.. sun shine.. yeh baby.. *happy dance* happy dance* A total reflection of how i feel today.. Yesterday was URG...

Yesterday was my fathers birthday.. he turned 50.. I struggled all day if I should call him..I settled for n ot calling him.. I would be calling for him.. and i know the responce I would get.. and I fear what it would lead to. I didnt know what to do with myself yesterday.. which is why I hog wild and tore apart the office/ lau ndry room.. and revamped boxes.. keeping myself busy.. so I could get through the day.

It is so challenging sometimes to realize and come to terms wi th the fact that I am an adult.. that it is not my job to parent my parents.. and that they were out ri ght miserable. I spent my early teen years being pulled from one to another.. Mom's then Dad's to only be shipped back and forth.. as they fought about money, and custody and all the rest of it.. I was the leverage... I a 13 year old.. I didnt understand what it was all about.. I just knew I felt torn.. riped apart one limb at at time. And when the fighting over me couldnt continue.. i was sent away for 3 months( was told it was gonna be 2 weeks) and just left there.. where I didnt know a soul.. tucked away in the states I was.. afraid, alone.. and very confused. It was miserable.. I was miserable. I came back to Canada( yup.. I was sent to the states) November 29, I had missed birthdays and thanks giving wi th my family.. it was a really lonely time.

I met the boys father a month later.. and he paid attention to me.. and didnt make me choose.. ( looking back now.. I see that it was because he was choosing for me.. but at the time.. it was a quiet comfort.. that someone else was in control.) Shortly after I was pregnant for Dawson.. Once again.. I tried to make things right at home...I was still living at home..and I told my mom I was expecting.. she poceeded to tell me if I choose to carry on with the pregnancy I could NOT live at home anymore.. which means.. I was off.. out on my own at 14 .. scary thought when I look at Dawson.. I couldnt imagine him being flying solo in this world of ours. But there I was.. pregnant and alone.. with a less than perfect baby father.. But I did it.. I moved into a maternity home.. to get my footing in my new role as a mom.. Neither of my parents really did much of any thing.. that was truly the moment that I started to realize that I didnt have the parents that most people did.. mine didnt care :(

Even once I had Dawson.. nothing changed.. it took my Mom 4 days.. to come 10 minutes to see him..and it took my father 10 days.. I couldnt even imagine.. I would be right there.. in labor.. right there.. with them.. or in a waiting room .. but with them just the same.. ( Michael and I have spoken about this.. knowing first hand was it is like to not have family there.. w hen you want and need them most.. I dont want him to go threw that.. we have decided.. that his family will be welcome.. and the birth will be ours ( an dmaybe the boys if they want to be there).. )

But hey.. I turned out ok.. right? I have heard that a million times. Yes, I did turn out ok.. but it wasnt thanks to my biological parents..it was inspite of them.... it was thanks to strong people along the way.. who would never be in my life for long.. if they were helpful and loving.. my parents put an end to it really fast.. but left me with a lil something that I have carried with me into adulthood... and me not wanting to be like my parents were. Dont get me wrong... I dont stay stuck in the pitty pot room.. that is not my way.. every now and again ( alot more now than again lately) I remember where I came from.. remember what I have lived, loved and moved through.. and it stirs things up.. In my ol proffesional life.. I realized that when you feel everything is really coming together.. you get hit with the past.. not intense emotions nessasarily.. but you remember it.. almost as though it is a subconscious way to remind you to be grateful for what you have..

Many of the choices I have made along the way had no doubt been influenced by my early years.. having no connection to God and such.. no doubt one of the reasons why I really struggled with ge tt ing to know God.. on Gods terms.

Sigh.. so much .. so much.. It is amazing to create the life for the boys that I always wanted.. to leave myself open to them that they can talk to me about anything... Michael is left in aww at how open we are as a family unit. I think back to one night at the frwy... when Dor was up in the panel. and went on to say I was mean.. I would have been in some serious hot water if I would have dared say that as child.. but because I know him, I mean really know him.. and i engage with him.. I know he is just being a ham.. like he does.. and tr uth be told.. no doubt there are times that he t hinks i am mean..like when I wont let him hang out with a kid who is into not to wonderful things.. unless he is here.. and I am here.. darn.. mean mom arent I? *giggle* Or when he wants 20 dollars to go to movie for the tenth time in a month.. mean mommy.. *giggle*... But he can say anything.. speak his truth.. and I dont try to change it..

I am going through the last few pages of t he latest wedding reading.. and I came accross an idea I was thinking a nyway.. but it just reinforced it.. having the boys take part .. saying family vows ;) woohooo.. I have made another desicion.. *giggle* I am on a role.. lol

They are painting and such in here today.. the windows still :s .. so I have to make myself dissapear.. I have latex sensitivities.. and gues what they wear on their hands.. and what might be in their paint.. *giggle*.. oh wee.. the wonders of the world..

Be a great day, B

Oh what a day...

2006-03-15T17:14:00.000-05:00

Oh what a day.. I have spent the better part of today trying to get my clutter bugness un der control. The computer is in the laundry room/ shorage room... it has been housing half unpacked boxes for almost a year now.. URG.. the things I have been avoiding doing.. I didnt really want to go through our ol life.. I didnt want to deal with it.. when our belongs arrived last june( I think) I unpacked what I saw at first look.. and left the rest. I by no means packed it well.. Dawson and I pack a three bedroom town house in about 10 hours.. things were just thrown into whatever they would fit into.. which made up packing all the most fun.. *giggle*

What a mess.. I t hink back to when we m ove dinto this place.. ( May last year) it was a pivital moment for the three of us.. we had never lived 100% on our own.. wi thout any negative intervention from not so wonderful poeple.. and here we were.. with a place that was ours.. and we could create what we wanted. It wasnt until we had been here for a month or so.. did we recieve the most generous gift from great people and God.. someone paid to have what we had left shipped down from where we were last.. taking all possible procautions to ensure our safety was maintained.. oh w hat a day that was.. when it got here.. it felt like Christmas in the middle of June.. we didnt know what made it and w hat didnt.. we just knew that some of our stuff made it here.. some of the boys baby pictures ( although most of them didnt) appliances I wouldnt have been able to replace any time soon.. clothing for the b oys.. it was ours.. old memories.. tucked into boxes and travels many many miles to us.

All the papers and ol bills and stuff.. are things that I didn really want to deal with when it allgot here.. I just wanted to start my life over w ith the boys.. our life.. our way. I dont think I was strong enough at the time.. I was st ill every much in mourning myself over the losing so much.. It seemed easier to t uck it away.. in a forbiden room.. where it sat.. until today..

One box at a time.. I went through the papers of our ol world.. everyone feeling cold and like it wasnt mine.. I fought back the tears a few times.. as I remembered, and felt it all again. I came accross a b ox of broken things.. from the last big fight before we moved.. I became frozen there again.. not knowing where to go.. a year a go.. I would have been a tearful mess.. this time.. I remembered to breathe through it.. and sat down at the computer.. and emailed a friend. Seems silly that I get that over broken knick knacks.. to me was more than that.. these were the last physical pieces of my old life..

Starting a new life for all of us again with Michael. is one that i know I need to let go of my old one. I became more sure of that last night.. when he and I spoke.. and he finally spoke of fear about me going to where he is.. fear that something would happen to me.. I knew.. that the fear was that he woudl lose me.. I have to respect that.... it made it more clear that I needed to let it go.. to move beyond the stuff..
Oh what a day.. I guess I shoudl get back to it.. We moved the small chest freezer up Dawson and I.. I am amazed at how we are c onstantly moving forward ..one step at time..

Be a Great Day, B

What is in my blogging name..

2006-03-13T13:37:00.000-05:00

My blog name is Prince's Dragon.. why you may ask.. well let me tell you all about it *giggle*

From the very first day Michael came into my life... I have called him prince... truth be told, we met online.. in my other blog.. ( yup I have 2 of them on the go that I author.. and one that I co-facilitate.. for a grade total of three) In the first comment I left on his blog.. I called him prince.. it just kinda suck.. because to me, he is truly my prince... At the time, it was not hing concrete that would leave me calling him this.. aside from the fact that it just fit.. it was what he was.. what he is..

As for Dragon.. well there is a reason here as well.. I was born in the year of the dragon.. Michael.. kinda adopted it as my nickname.. I am his dragon. Ironically.. Michael collects dragons, and has long been facinated with them. The first poem he ever read me was about... you guessed it dragons..

It goes something like this..

The Dragons are singing tonight

by Jack Prelutsky

Tonight is the night all the dragons

Awake in their lairs underground,

To sing in cacophonous chorus

And fill the whole world with their sound.

They sing of the days of their glory,

They sing of their exploits of old,

Of maidens and knights, and of fiery fights,

And guarding vast caches of gold.

Some of their voices are treble,

And some of their voices are deep,

But all of their voices are thunderous,

And no one can get any sleep.

I lie in my bed and i listen,

Enchanted and filled with delight,

To songs i can hear only one night a year

The Dragons are singing tonight.

Now you understand the name.

On side note.. in my other blog.. I go by the pen name.. Ame.. short for amethyst.. which is my favorite stone.. next to the pink one.. which I dont know the name of.. *giggle*.. and Dee.. who is like my sister.. made us( Michael and I) this today.. gosh I have great friends :)

ok.. I cant figure out how to load it .. to be continued.. lol

Be a great day, B

Love, Friendship, Community

2006-03-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

What an intresting place to be.. right where I am intended to be no doubt..but still intresting. Last evening I had a chance to share my 'story' with someone. ( We all have a story.. some deemed more painful.. some deemed great.. and some.. truly heart breaking.. we all have a story) I was amazed at how I have moved past the pain of my story, since I have turned my life, my world, myheart over to God.. when I stopped trying to be in the drivers seat.. imagine that huh?
In my ol'world.. I never really connected wi th people.. I was always on guard.. and I never wanted to be give anyone enough 'power' to distroy me.. and there I was.. opening myself up.. more like a blooming flower than a box.. saying this is why I am.. this is my story.. and I wasnt afraid.. it was somewhat freeing. Often I hide behind my fears.. my ol' tapes/ messages.. and I stood in my truth, my reality.. with confidence, and pride. I am not scorned by what I have lived through, but rather I wear it like a metal of sorts.. yup it sucked.. BIG TIME at times.. but I came out.. stronger, more real .. and much more likable.
I have 'friends' now.. I dont use that word loosely.. I never have.. but I have them.. real friends. i have noticed them everywhere.. even in places I didnt expect to see them.. they are there.. WOOOHOOO *happy dance* and these people.. have a friend in me as well.. how things change.. and stay the same all at the same time.
Maybe there were people before.. but I choose not to see them.. not to interact with them.. trust being a big reason.. everyone w ho has ever loved me.. ever cared.. has distroyed me.. so I kept myself boarded up .. bound tightly so that no one could or would get into my lil world.. I couldnt bare anymore pain or heart ache.

A lil example of who if you are open.. and real.. you are gifted with amazing people and things ....I have been agonizing around my dress.. I am going for something so not traditional.. it seems to exsist.. but only in my mind.., pieces from this one.. and from that one.. and from something in between.. last night I was speaking to Abby and Gail.. and wooohooo.. it seemed to have been a light going off in my head.. hhmmmm.. they are both women w i th amazing energy.. and a zest for living.. and guess what.. THEY CAN SEW.. happy dance happy dance.. My maid of honor ... Dee.. lives in Ajax.. and she offered to make my dress.. fittings and such get challenging with her and I being so far apart..I was worried how we were going to make it come together.. and poof.. by the grace and wonder of God.. Abby.. and Gail.. local... amazing women.. creative, real.. and they can sew.. lol.. happy dance...
For me it is more than a dress.. it is about the energy going into making it.. in our home.. we dont talk abo ut anything 'heavy' in the house.. we go for a walk.. we go for coffee.. but we do everything we can to ensure that home remains just that.. a home.. a sanctuary of sorts from the outside world.. quite possibly.. some of my challenges with these other dresses where they just didnt energetically feel right.. if that makes any sense at all. One of the biggest days of our lives.. you would think it would have dawned on me sooner that maybe it wasnt the dresses..but the lack of connecting to the creator of said dresses.. amazing I tell ya.. amazing!!!!!

Last night was beautiful.. it was amazing to see, feel, and just be with a real community.. mourning, loving and caring.. just being.. feeling so many things.. and not having the words for them. Somewhere be tween here and there.. and there and here. I was speach less. I was in a sort of haze... I kept finding myself asking God to give those in need what they need to move within this, heal in it, and remember it. ( I can almost hear the gasps now ... remember it? are you spun Brooklyn.... I assure you.. I am n ot.. well no more spun than I was last week *giggle*.. grieving is a weird poccess.. very different for everyone.. and when they honor the memory of what they are grieving.. and honor themselves by not pushing themselves to be over it.. then and only then can they heal from it. Pushing it into the darkness of ones mind serves no purpose but to forget)
Today I am abundantly thankful for everyone who dances with me. I thank everyone who danced for those in mourning last evening.. I thank God for every one of you.. for sharing this dance together.
Be a great day,
Brooklyn

just breathe

2006-03-11T21:51:00.000-05:00

I am always puzzled with my reactions to the world.. stuck somewhere between feelings.. and not wanting to feel it. This weekend has been one that I am almost always reminding myself to just breathe... and pray.

It is always hard when I want to do so much, and I dont know what to do. Knowing even less what to do.. so I will revert back to what I know.. light a candle for those in need of some light and warmth during hard times and prayer.

See you on the flip side,
B

A glimps into our world

2006-03-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

I really dont know where my head is at today.. I am all over the map.. Had Drew stop by after school.. what a great kid he is... he came into our lives when we first moved here.. he was living in the group home up the street..Dorian.. the social butter fly that he is.. brought him home one day.. and from the first time he was in our home, he was like family.. and he has become like a third son.. he and the boys even bicker like brothers.

His story broke my heart.. his parents couldnt care for him, he barely sees his siblings.. in the last 6 months, he has moved from the group home to a foster home.. wi th Peter who he now calls dad.. it is really an intresting dynamic.. Drew has called me Mom from the first month he danced into our lives.. I asked him why once( not to question him.. but to u nderstand where he was coming from).. and he told me that he knew without a doubt how much I loved him and he felt like he fit here.
When the desicion was made for him to go into a foster home, he discussed it with me.. he wanted approval and reassurance that he would always have a place here.. that he would always family.. It broke my heart the day he left.. I remember him wanting to make sure I was there to see him off.. he introduced me to Peter as Mom.. and tried to explain to him then bond we have.. b ut I dont think Peter really understood... until the weekend that Michael asked me to marry him.
That was the first time that Peter had seen us interact for more than a few minutes. It was kinda neat to watch.. Peter never really knew what to make of the way that Drew and I are.. the way the boys and Drew are.. he has heard so much ab out it.. but had never seen it. That weekend.. Michael and I made sure Drew was around ( Drew doesnt do too well with change.. and I wanted to ensure that he had enough transition time between meeting Michael and when Michael would be here full time.. so that Drew woudl always know he was welcome here.. and that nothing would change .. except that he woudl have one more person to love him) It is beautiful to watch Drew look so at peace here, because he knows he is loved and valued. By all four of us now.
When it comes to wedding plans.. Drew is right in there with the boys.. he will be all suited up and is in charge of noise makers.. It was a given that Drew would be part of our day.. b ut I didnt realize how much it would mean to him.. how monumental it woudl be in his life.
Michael and I have discussed it a couple of times, at how big this really is in Drews world.. to be including for no other reason but because we love, honor and value him..
Last Tuesday.. he poped into his old group home on his way home from here.. and was talking to one of the staff .. very excited I mig ht add.. telling him all the details about the wedding thus far.. right down to the date.. the staff responded with .. "they cant have that day.. that is my birthday!".. and Drew told them, "too bad they have that day.. and you will have to deal with it".. it was heart warming to hear.. although the staff was j ust being a jokester like they usually are.. Drew stood up for his 'family'.
The boys and I have spent over a year recreating a family base.. and we knew first hand how lonely it was to feel like you had no one to turn to (knowing that no doubt is what opened our hearts up to Drew).. I have always held the view.. if you dont like what you have.. make someone elses reality what you wish yours was.. and it will all come together.. we loved Drew.. we became his family, and he became ours.. for no ot her reason but because we love each other... no matter what.
Just goes to show .. that a lil love.. goes a long way.. and can really make someones world brighter.
Kids are smart.. they know what is what.. and are able to figure out the rest in between.. Drew knows that he is never forgotten.. holidays, birthdays, easter.. all of that.. he always has a lil something here.. he knows he is loved for no other reason, but because he is who he is.

You want me to do what with that ?

2006-03-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

Oh the wonderful world of wedding planning *giggle* it seems that everyone has an idea of what it should look like..and what you just cant do.. *giggle*.. After I get really annoyed with them.. I can only laugh.. and remind myself.. this is our day.. if we want it xyz.. then.. so be it.. we are doing things somewhat unconventional.. we are having .. what some woudl lable as an egagment party in June of this year.. then we will be wed march next year.. small.. 30 warm bodies plus wedding party.. and then juneish next year.. a celebration of sorts.. not really sure what to call it.. but a reception/ celebration.

Between the you cant do this.. and that.. and you surely cant have a reception of sorts three months later.. we cant have that.. well tell me.. why cant we??? we are keeping the ceremony intimate and quaint.. family really.. so why cant we celebrate wi th everyone a few months later:s

It is driving me nuts.. With Michael being so far away for a lil while longer it makes ithard to 100% confirm plans all the time.. all we have for sure is the date and the officiant.. lol. and the rest is kinda up in the air.. lol.. until he gets here .. *giggle*.. it would seem that our few hours together every few weekends... isnt enought o put in wedding stuff.. we just wanta be wi th each it other.

I am really not too sure what is going on with me today.. I am feeling really off.. anxious is not the right word..but it is the only one that seems to fit today. My heart and mind are somewhere else.. I have been sitting in prayer, walking in prayer.. doing life things in prayer most of the day.. so whoever is in need.. you are in my thoughts, prayers.. and candles have been set up for you.. These feelings I get sometimes make me almost feel like I am losing my mind.. especially when I cant place them. I guess that is part of the lesson.. I dont always have to understand what or why.. I just have to accept it.. and live it.. and breathe thru it.

See ya on the flip side, B

Dancing in the aisle

2006-03-07T17:50:00.000-05:00

Oh what a weekend.. filled with so much.. so much.. wonderful time, people , and stuff. LUcky for me, when Michael is here, time seem to slow a little :) I soak up every single second with him. Up until this weekend, we have spent our time very planned. This weekend.. the planning was keeped to as little as possible.

I went up to Toronto to meet him when he came in.. which was a big leap for me. I have kept myself in this little bubble of Dundas/ Hamilton for over a year.. venturning no where unless within city limits. Friday.. I jumped on a Go.. and off to Toronto I went.. only having a slight idea where I was going. *giggle* I dont understand the subways.. Michael guided me where he could.. but there is really no way to guide one through Union station if they have never been there before.. t hat was me .. lol.. walking in circles in Union station.. funny.. there were no signs.. or not that I could see. I thought I had gone the wrong way when I ended up in a food court place * giggle*.. I m ust have asked 3 people where I was suppose to go.. until one of them.. said.. past the ice cream place.. *giggle* ice cream.. finally a land mark I understood. *giggle*

I got through Union.. and on the subway.. lol.. and off at the right stop.. yeh me *giggle*.. a few choice words of positive self talk on the way.. *giggle*.. but I did it.. I get off .. up the stairs.. and then proceeded very confidantly to walk 7 blocks in the wrong direction.. *Giggle* people must have thought I was crazy.. I just kept giggling the entire way.. this was exciting.. I was in a strange city.. knowing I was totally lost.. and I didnt care much.. again I asked someone.. and was pointed in the right direction.. *giggle*.. found the coach terminal.. but guess what.. I stood at the wrong one for about 10 minutes.. tried to run to the loo.. to adjust my stockings.. out of order.. *GULP*.. it felt like they were around my ankles.. it was just too funny.. Ifinally figured out that I needed to go down a lil tunnel thingie.. to get to the arrival station *giggle*.. I just couldnt stop laughin.. it was hilarious..and to my delight.. the loo there wasnt out of order *happy dance.. or was it peepee dance *giggle* About 10 minutes later.. Michael was there.. and I was on automatic.. I just had to follow.. *giggle*..

What a great feeling.. to be wi th someone you trust enough to let them lead.. even if you dont have a clue where you were going.. for much of the last decade.. I was watched for exits.. always knew my out.. and I didnt even want to know.. with him.. I know I am safe.. I know he will always stand beside me.. even with panty hose down to my knees *giggle*

We meet up with Joanna.. ( Michael's long time pal) and her soon to be hubby.. had coffee.. went for dinner.. oh.. I am leaving something out *giggle*.. I am really quiet when I first meet people.. hard to believe I know.. *giggle*.. I didnt say too much.. all I could do was grin.. *g iggle*.. I was wit h Michael.. and interacting with our new world t ogether *giggle*.. totally amazing feeling it is. Michael wants Joanna to stand up wi th us when we wed next year. We has spoken about it previously.. and Joanna was already planned into standing beside Dee( the maid of honor)..so in an attempt to break the ice, open up, find my voice what have you.. I asked Joanna if she would stand up with us, being that she is a big part of Michael's world. She was honored and touched.. and the ice was broken.. *happy dance* I found my voice :)

Being out with another couple was awesome.. been years since I have done that.. it felt natural.. like we had been doing it for years and will be doing it for many more. I was still quieter than usual.. but not out of discomfort.. but because I was talking it all in. After dinner... Michael and I made our way back to the Go station.. and back to Hamilton we came.

We had decided not to tell the boys that we was coming this time.. we wanted to surprize them. They were both at sleep overs for the night.. Dawson actually made his way back home about 2 am.. feeling home sick. but didnt n otice Michael's shoes at the door *giggle*.. w hen Dawson poped up to say goodmorning.. he was darn near jumping for joy at the sight of Michael.. it was perfect..
We put a call into Dorian.. who we got to meet us at the grocery store.. how is that for not planning.. we needed to shop if we wanted to eat *giggle*.. Dorian did what was n o thing short of a matrix jump into Michael's arms when he saw him. The trust we all have for each o ther. We all know ( all 4 of us) that we have a safe place to land in each others arms. It has been a long time since I have seen the boys trust like that .. ok.. who am I kidding.. they never have.. giggle..
Things again were effortless.. a good song came on.. so Dorian and I danced in the aisles.. other shoppers were making weird faces.. but We didnt care.. Michael looked at us.. like Yup.. th at is my family.. what a look of sheer joy on his face.. we are all so happy together.
Saturday afternoon.. we went out to check out another jewlery store.. *giggle*.. WE FOUND MY RING *happy dance* Oddly.. it was like not hing we has been designing.... it was so.. so.. PERFECT!!! We are feeling the celtic knotish wedding bands in the way we are going to go.. so we butted it up against one of those.. and what would you know.. they look amazing together.. :) HAPPY DANCE wiggle wiggle
what a great day.. what a great weekend, what a great life..
Michael and I went for lunch just him and I.. ohmy goodness.. things are so NOT complicated wi th him.. they are simple.. and .. effortless.. *giggle*.. it is still a lil uncomfortable having someone take care of me .. I have always been the one who has supported the others in my life.. to have someone wi thout a question taking care of me.. just wow.. leaves me speach less... *SMILE*

Sunday we went to the frwy.. *giggle*.. wooohoooo.. I Michael has heard so much about it from the boys and I.. and he was there.. we were there.. together.. he got to meet Pernell, and Ms Abby and a few o thers. I wasnt worried about what he woudl think.. but I was worried about wh at he woudl think about the frwy.. because it is SO NOT your typical rigid worship. He really enjoyed it.. which delighted me. It was so calm and relaxed and well.. the frwy.

I was so excited when Abby walked in... I love when Michael and I can merge our world for a few minutes. As soon as the we could.. we darted over.. I had to introduce them *giggle* Once again.. totally natural.. amazes me.. how effortless everything in my world lately.

What a delight.. this wonderful lady who said she would pop her head out of her shell*cough*krista*cough*..and did.. and she didnt have shell head.. *happy dance* *giggle*.. I finally felt like maybe.. I was finding a place in the frwy.. I cant begin tothank you en ough for taking the chance, the risk.. the crowbar.. *giggle* which ever is the case.. you made my n i g ht.. you really did.. thank you *HUGS*

Woke up March 6, 2006 to Michael.. oh how wonderful it was.. happy annerversary to us.. *giggle*.. how many people get to celebrate their -1 annerversary.. *giggle* well we did.. *giggle*.. just a nother place that we are not your typical people.. and we are a-ok with that *giggle*..
Michael left last night :( right from Dundas.. actually made it a lil easier then when I see him off to the Go.. it was more like he was going to work ( which he is) rather than leaving to live some where else fora while longer. The house is really empty without him here. I have been off all day.. I look forward to when he comes HOME again.

Well that is my weekend.. and on a parting note.. if you hear music that makes you want to dance... just dance.. like no one is watching!!!

See ya on the flip side, B

Too funny how things are the same giggle

2006-03-03T07:38:00.000-05:00

So much has changed since my coming to Hamilton.. I sit back.. and reflect on w hat and who I was such a short time ago.. and how..by the grace of God.. I have been gifted with having such amazing energies in my path....

Dee.. oh goodness.. she has been my rock. When I didn't feel I could stand in my own truth. I remember that it was at the hands of a feline that wanted to be with me.. that we became what we are. I share everything in my world with her. good, bad and ugly.. she is my sister.. she is just amazing...

Michael.. aka Prince.. he is just that... looks past the front I tried to put up..and saw me for who I am really am.. even when we are not physically together, he makes me stronger. He stands with me, no matter how deep I am in something.. and just listens... silently. He is VERY grounded.. which is a blessing .. I am so driven by emotion.. he really balances me out. I used to laugh when people would tell me.. when you cross paths with 'the one' you just know.. bah.. ya right.. and what would you know.. I knew when I danced with Michael for the first time.. I look forward to spending all of eternity dancing with him.. I am so very blessed to have him as my life partner, my soul mate, my pillar, my love, my confidant, my best friend, my play mate, my conscious.. and my hand to hold in the journey of life.

Abby.. oh my.. my first time ever at frwy.. and of all the places.. she sat right with me.. within a few minutes.. we realized that we had more in common.. she is my friendly frwy face *giggle*.. and one of the first people I look for on Sundays..

Sharlene... Oh my.. that is another energy.. there have been times when I have been out right angry.. not always at what was in front of me.. but rather.. the old tapes.. feeling like I had to claw my way like I had done before.. and she would sit with me.. laugh with me.. she has been been instrumental is helping me bring the boys to where they are today..

This is by no means an inclusive list.. just people who have lite the way throw the muck and mud that life can throw at ya..

I must say.. that I have come a really long way in the last year.. and i have no doubt in my mind.. that I will go even farther.. Don't tell me to reach for the sky.. when there are foot prints on the moon.

My journey into faith has been long.. and hard.. I have tried to intellectualize it numerous times.. and only when I heard the following.. did I finally.. get it..

F- feel
A - as
I- if
T- the thing
H- has already happened

When I felt the way I would feel to be loved without condition, when I felt the way I would when I always had someone to turn to.. when I felt as if I was not alone, when I felt as if I had guidance.. what do ya know.. I did.. why? because I believed with my heart.. and didn't intellectualize it.

I am sitting in a place of complete and total aw right now.. totally amazed at how things just seem to fall into place when I let God take over *giggle*

Today is gonna be emotion filled no doubt.. I am heading to Toronto to meet Michael.. and his friend .. I haven't ventured out of Hamilton since I got here.. I honestly don't remember seeing the road from TO to Hamilton when I got here.. so many emotions were reeling through me.. it was dark.. I often joke that I felt like I was parachuted in.. *giggle* It is going to be neat to be going out of my box.. I am not only going to TO.. but I am also doing the subway by myself.. I realize to come this may seem like no biggie.. but for me it is huge.. I am starting to live fearlessly again.. I am still anxious.. but I know Michael is on the other side.. waiting for me.. which eases some of the anxiety.

I have created this bubble around myself in Dundas.. well today.. I am popin it *giggle*

It is going to be so nice to spend another weekend with Michael. The Distance between us, seems out right painful sometimes. Soon enough he will be here full time. As of right now, we are looking at the end of April ( a month closer than the original end of May * happy dance happy dance*) He ( heck I am to) really looking forward to coming out to the frwy as soon as he can.. but there is this tricky thing that keeps getting in the way.. WORK *giggle*

Monday will be a year exactly till Michael and I formally commit to each other for eternity.. yes you heard me right.. we are getting married.. we will be forever pillars of support for each other and so much more...

I have to laugh.. in my other blog.. the day he is coming.. all I can talk about is him.. *giggle*.. funny how this one is the same..

See ya on the flip side,
B

Where to begin....

2006-03-02T12:08:00.000-05:00

You have to excuse the slight confusion around here *giggle* I actually tried to publish this last Monday.. but for some reason.. I couldnt.. so.. here it is now..

As in my other blog.. I dont go back and edit entries, this is me, as raw and real as I am. Uneditted, uncensored *giggle*

Where to begin....I am still feeling the vibe of the frwy last night. Every night there is the bar stool segment.. it never fails.. just as I muster up the courage to stand in my truth in front of a room of mostly strangers.. POOF.. TIMES UP ..
I have spent much of my life always have the words.. and rarely sitting quietly. I am the one who always has ALL the answers.. This last 18 months or so.. I have really been engaging with my own silence.. and not having to have the answers.. or the words for that matter. All that being said.. I really felt drawn to say something last night.. and I didnt.. for whatever reason.. so here I am.. having my say in a different forum.. b ut my say none the less.

Mind wondering ......I dont speak to many at the frwy.. mostly because I am not sure how to break in.. and because.. I am so not a church lady.. well I guess I am now.. but I am not your traditional church lady.. I wasnt raised in church of any kind.. frankly.. my family avoided it.. unless it was a funeral or wedding.. I was baptized.. but I think because it was the thing to do.. rather than the commitment behind it. When it comes right down to it, I believe without a doubt.... I am like many: I am afraid of regection. I have lived a life that would be unheard of by many.. and judged by some as out right shameful.. Although I am not ashamed of my past.. because it has brought me where I am today.. rather I wear the things I have exprienced as a badge of honor of sorts.. I have survived throught lots.. and came out the other side.. with a a greater understanding of myself and God for that matter.

My relationship with the divine has been.. somewhat unorthodoxed to say the least. I have had a very spiritual understanding and relationship with the divine for many moons. For some years.. and who am I kidding even today.. I have been labeled a witch. Not because I do evil or anything of the sort.. but because I understand and have a sense of the ebs and flows of the world. I have great respect for the world.. the trees, the rocks.. the living and non living energies everywhere. I am not exactly sure how that would leave me labled in such a way.. but it has.. I am left at times mulling over old tapes and patterns of what to expect people to say....which leaves me standing back in fear... call me crazy.. but when all of this is so new.. it would be nice if someone would just come up and say.. Hey.. I have seen you here a few times.. or Hey.. Your Dorians Mom.. right.. something.. to break me out of my shell.. to break into a place where I am not constantly hearing my old tapes.. No doubt.. that it would soon be understoof that I have a strong sense of what a higher power is.. and how they can positivly affect my life.. and how without them.. I am lost...

I really struggled coming into Christianity.. frankly I fought itevery step of the way for years.. because I didnt want to put a concrete lable to the divine.. actually it was more like.. I always believed in God.... but I didnt want to discount what others believed at this divine force.. Ala, Jehova and so on.. who was I to say.. my belief was better than theirs. I still hold that view today... I find that it is not what you believe nessasarily.. but how you believe it. If you believe with a true heart.. without restraint.. and are pushing forward in goodness.. GIVER!!!!!! Dont get me wrong.. I know there are paths tainted with misinformation out there, but I dont believe that anyone is out right nasty.. or wrong.. they simply interact with the world in their truth... we all interact with the world in a way rooted in our truth.. no matter how right or wrong our truth may be in the grand sceme of global truths. Only when a hand is extended.. a light lite.. can one truly see.. not with their eyes, but with their hearts.

Back to bar stools....
This week.. bar stool was about feeling lost.. URG.. that was my life for a very long time.. although I had my relationship with the divine.. it was on my term.. in all honesty.... I didnt hand my life over to them. I felt like I had all the answers.

As a child.. I was told repeatedly.. that if I only tried harder.. worked harder.. things would work out.. that life had little if anything to do with God.. it just was a measure of how hard you worked.. everything one would be gifted with.. wasnt a gift at all.. it was what they deserved.Up until about 18 months ago.. I really believed this.. and my life.. that I had created with all my hard work.. crumbled.. the fabric of who I was .. was torn away from a thread at a time.. until I was left with nothing but the boys.. and my spirituality.

For the first time in my life.. I was standing in my truth.. with no where to run.. I was scared, heck who am I kidding, I was terrified. I was losing everything I had worked to achieve.. the safety net I had for the boys and I, my career, our belongs.. and ultimatly.. myself..

There was no where to go.. but to prayer..I had prayed before.. however my prayers were much more like gratitudes..giving thanks for what I had.. family, friends, a home, possesions.. I never wanted to admit that I couldnt do things on my own steam, after all this is what I had been taught.... I surely didnt need or want anyone for that matter. After all, I was super woman :S

This time.. I prayed.. for guidance.. for help.. for unconditional love.. and for safety.. and it was like a light went on in my world.. I didnt feel so alone.. I somehow just knew what I needed to do to get my boys and I safe..

The peace I was seeking.. didnt come all at once.. but slowly dripped into my life.. the more I prayed and commited myself to handing my life, heart and soul over to God.. the more I understood, the less alone I felt.. and the safer we became..... the more I had direction, the more peace I had in my heart, the better we got along ... the list almost seems endless

We relocated.. and landed locally Nov 19, 2004... (which we call freedom day.. kinda a holiday full of celebration in our world.. something we will no doubt celebrate for years to come).. what a beautiful day that was... I can still remember it so clearly.. we didnt get here by any accident either.. I left it in the hands of God.. the few I have shared this story with.. are stunned at how we came to be here.. here is the readers digest version....

we were in our third city.. trying to get and stay safe.. with each new location.... we would start to rebuild.. and POOF.. we were told we needed to go again, because our safetly was in limbo again.. .. and off we would go.. in the cloke of night.. we were gone.. like we never were there in the first place. It was a hard few months. As I built a real relationship with God, and honestly accepted their love and guidance .. I felt less and less afraid.. and more and more.. well.. loved.. I knew that if I handed it over to them.. we wouldnt be steared wrong. We would end up... right where we needed to be..

In an act of sheer and pure faith.. as the boys and I were getting ready to settle in for the night.. I had been told that yet again.. our safety had be compromized...I spread a map of Canada on the floor.. the boys and I said our gratitudes like we had done for years.... and then I prayed quietly asking God to bring us where we needed to be.. to be safe.. and start over.. to put down roots and to ultemately bloom: for good!!!!. ( We were all getting tierd.. so much moving.. no time to really rest and regroup)I explained to the b oys, that I was done trying to talk my way into things with pure logic.. it had really gotten us no where up to that point..I went on to tell them how I was putting it in the hands of God.. We put our hands together.. and closed our eyes.. wove our hands around in a circle.. and our joined figures dropped on Hamilton.. three days later.. we were here.. It was only when I left it 100% up to God.. that we ended up where we needed to be.. when I stopped trying to be super woman.. when I gave up trying to out wit God.. and gave them the credit they deserved. Only then.. did we become truly safe....

We landed here Nov 19, 2004.. and we havent looked back since.. we are home here.. we dont just a have a house.. but we have built a real home. The boys are involved in programs.. and I work dilgently to rebuild our lives.. which isnt always easy.. being that in a sense.. I recreated myself a year ago.. leaving behind every tie to who I was.. family, proffesion.. and friends..what a gift.. to not only be safe..but to start fresh.. new.. to be reborn in a literal sense.....

There you have it.. the time I was most lost.. I had lost everything possesion wise.. but found my faith feet.. and danced and danced and danced.

From a time when I was lost.. to a time when I can look back and rejoice.. Amazing I tell you.. there is not a day t hat I dont still say my gratitudes.. for everything God has blessed us with.. safety and peace of mind being corner stones. I look back on w hat I thought I had lost .. and I realize.. that it was really not much to frown about.. because we found ourselves.. in the ruble of what was our world.. we found peace.

Now we are here.. standing in our new truth.. which is still dotted with our old one, but as nay faith journey.. it is not static.

See ya on the flip side, B

How You Get There... Is Half The Fun...

more pictures...

what you may have missed *giggle*

Update

Sunsets

Some of my favorite quotes...

My red socks & engagement party :)

Grumble

Still alive.. :)

3 hours and counting...

a rude date...

Waiting in the wings

Dear God

Words...

Gods Boxes

Sunshine yeah baby

Big steps, music is getting louder.. happy dance

Somedays .. are somedays

23 days and counting

In awe

Being in the right place at the right time and giggles

Sunsets and .....

Mr sun, Mr Golden sun wont you please shine down on me

Oh what a day...

What is in my blogging name..

Love, Friendship, Community

just breathe

A glimps into our world

You want me to do what with that ?

Dancing in the aisle

Too funny how things are the same *giggle*

Where to begin....

what you may have missed giggle

Too funny how things are the same giggle